An Obscure Crossover
by BarryBookton
Summary: An anomaly in the space-story arc continuum has brought together the universes of Resident Evil and Darkstalkers. This story brings forth all the misadventures they encounter in their time together. (Note: Rated 'M' to be on the safe side.)
1. Chapter 1

The Resident Evil universe:

Barry Burton did love his sandwiches. Like, he loved them a lot. In fact, he loved them so much, he even ate them while exterminating B.O.W.s, which is what he was doing at that moment. As he bit into his extravagantly made ham, tomato, lettuce, and cucumber sandwich (or as he called it so often, a 'Jill Sandwich'), he brutally stomped on a downed zombie's skull, obliterating its brains and killing it again.

"Man, I could live on these things!" Barry exclaimed with a mouthful of Jill Sandwich. Whether he was referring to the zombies or the sandwich is anyone's guess.

Drawing his signature .357 Colt Python, he aimed at another zombie, but something strange began to come over him. It felt like... Suddenly, Barry felt a lurching in his stomach which threatened to throw his sandwich back out again. As he was about to be sick, he disappeared, his sandwich dropping to the ground, never to be bitten into again.

Chris Redfield was naturally pretty strong, but he didn't have the bulk all popular video game hero characters should possess (at least, that's how Chris saw it...). So, that's why he could be found in the gym nowadays, having a rather unorthodox workout. Yeah, he was pumping the weights with all his strength, but he was also taking whole containers of steroids at a time. Don't ask: Chris was none too bright. Hey, it must have worked: his arms looked like they could deflect bullets, and they did so quite often. Though, that may have been more due to plot-related immortality than actual working-out. As he took another handful of pills, a tickling sensation began in his arms.

"Oh crap, I can't be overdosing yet," Chris muttered. "I've only taken 50 kilos tonight!" As soon as he finished his sentence, he disappeared, his steroids mysteriously going along with him.

Jill Valentine was sick of zombies. Seriously, she'd been fighting them non-stop for years now, and when she decides to take one little vacation to a safari park, they STILL follow her. That was why she was running through the safari in a tube top and skinny jeans, hearing the Nemesis (look up Resident Evil 3 for info, people) crashing clumsily but dangerously behind her.

"S.T.A.R.S.!" Nemesis roared. Hey, the poor guy had always wanted to be an astronaut, but he ended up becoming a biological weapon of mass slaughter, so forgive his incessant shouting of that one word. Or he'll eat you.

Jill was running out of steam, and knew that she stood no chance against Nemesis with a stick of gum and a worn debit card. Well, maybe a tiny chance. Maybe Tyrants were allergic to gum. Stumbling into a clearing, she spun, readying her gum like a knife. Nemesis swaggered in directly after, growling like a manly dog. As Jill was about to do the second stupidest thing a human could do (charge at a Tyrant with chewing gum), she heard a whooshing sound, and suddenly disappeared. Nemesis looked around, and saw that a pack of lions had surrounded him, licking their chops.

Albert Wesker was evil. He was ultra-smart (although his ego did lead to incompetent actions, like letting someone as brain-dead as Chris beat him repeatedly), super-powered, ruthless, and his sense of style left many in awe of the size of his balls. Well, they must have been huge if he could go around in public wearing all-black clothing, a huge black trench coat, and sunglasses. Oh, and he loved David Bowie. Which explained why he was singing along to Space Oddity while dancing about his lab with T-virus samples.

"This is Major Tom to Ground Control," Wesker sung in a surprisingly good (though evil-sounding) singing voice, nearly dropping a T-virus tube and causing the events of that crappy rip-off movie. He was considering kidnapping David Bowie and making him preform to him while he worked, and maybe even make him into a B.O.W.I.E., a variation of a B.O.W..

"And I'm floating in a most peculiar-" Wesker halted, dropping the vial at long last. Before he could curse loudly, he vanished, leaving nothing behind except a long line of franchise-destroying movies.

Leon Kennedy was depressed. He was also traumatised, his mind ripped apart by the Raccoon City Incident and... IT. IT just happened to be the President's daughter, Ashley, and her ability to drive anyone insane by simply screaming their name has made her a feared creature throughout the universe. Even aliens who had never found evidence of other life in the universe know of 'The Ghastly Ashley'. Anyway, Leon was sitting in his room, a whiskey bottle in his hand. He found himself wishing for the millionth time that he'd followed Claire Redfield, so he might have been able to avoid that whole 'rescuing Ashley' thing. Well, since all he was doing was brooding, I'll just make him disappear quickly. ZING! He's gone.

Speaking of Claire, she was running from a helicopter. Again. Somehow, news of her escape from a helicopter on foot in Paris had made her a major celebrity, and she travelled the world, teaching many people how to run from helicopters. She also ran babysitting classes.

"The trick is... to keep... running in the... same direction," she puffed as she sprinted to those who were following her. "That way... it can keep... following you... without trouble." Everyone nodded with tomato-red faces.

Claire's time to teleport away arrived though, and she just vanished right before everyone's eyes.

"I knew it!" someone shouted. "She was a figment of our imaginations all along!" Therefore, millions of people all over the world felt cheated, and committed ritual suicide.

The Darkstalkers universe:

Morrigan Aensland was... well, a succubus. That meant she seduced men (and potentially women, who the hell knows) and kissed/shagged them to suck out their life force. Well, if you had to pick a death I guess... Right now, she was tickling Dante (from classic Devil May Cry, not the 'prom date' from DmC) under the chin, smiling that kind of smile that made you both fall head-over-heels in love with her, and also piss yourself in fear of her.

"Hey, this is my kind of a good time," Dante murmured, a bit drowsy due to being under Morrigan's spell.

"Well, aren't you just the cutest little laddie?" she giggled in her Scottish accent, holding his cheek to steady him so she could move in for the Kiss of Doom. Right before their lips could meet, though, she disappeared, leaving Dante to fall back on the couch and dream of... well, do I have to tell you?

Demitri Maximoff was a strange character to grasp. He was evil, yet we were meant to root for him in Darkstalkers? What? Being the King of Pimps that he was, he sat on his huge throne, drinking the blood of a random peasant virgin girl as she lay in his lap. He was becoming even stronger than before, and felt that he was very nearly ready to take over the Demon World, which was a popular strip club in New York that he felt he had a right to rule over. He was THE master pimp, after all. As he was finishing his little midnight snack (Get it, because he's a vampire! Muahahaha! It's funny.), he sensed a force overtake him and before he could counter it, he poofed away, leaving the drained girl to collapse in the throne and one day declare herself king of all lizard people. She had lost a lot of blood.

Felicia: the Darkstalkers franchise's very own cat person. Hey, every mystical franchise needs at least one! The only difference is, they actually tried to make her look very shagadelic. I'm not sure about the reader (whatever floats yer boat mate), but I'm not convinced. She's a bloody cat person! Well, she was happily singing at a concert in some random city (let's just call it No-Name-City), and the crowd was huge. And loud. And really perverted, because they were all staring at her boobs and butt. Well, either perverted, or just REALLY confused about how such little clothing could be allowed to be worn in public. I do hope it's the latter, because that's a really good question that want answered. Still, she was a pretty good singer, and everyone did genuinely listen to her. However, upon reaching the best bit of the song, she faded away, leaving a very pissed off crowd and a very frightened backing singer.

Donovan Baine was a dhampir (half-vampire, half-human) with a big-ass sword, a big-ass ponytail, and strange prayer beads around his huge neck. Oh, and he was fixing a doll. Or at least, he was trying to fix it to stop his little companion, a small girl called Anita, from exploding with rage again when she saw her doll was missing an arm. Did I mention she has powers? That's why he was trying to keep her in her usual emotionless state. You know, so he didn't get killed. Becoming frustrated with the doll and its apparent refusal to accept its arm again, he was beginning to think about just taking his chances with Anita, when he dissolved into thin air, the doll dropping to the ground.


	2. Chapter 2 - A Meeting of Epicness

Coincidentally (or not?...), all of these characters reappeared in exactly the same area: the front hall of the mansion from Resident Evil 1. When Chris and Wesker came to, they looked about the familiar hall in dismay. Well, at least until Wesker noticed his arch-nemesis, and Chris noticed him right back.  
"Chrrriiissss!" Wesker yelled, making everybody else jump up, full awakened. Chris pulled out the only object he had on him - his steroid container - and held it out in front of him, ready to pull the trigger.  
"Wesker!" he bellowed.  
There, I just summed up about 90% of the dialogue between these two in Resident Evil 5 within three lines. Impressive, right?  
"The hell?..." groaned Jill, leaping to her feet rather unsteadily when she recognised Wesker.  
"Ah, Chris AND Jill," Wesker chuckled, regaining his composure. "Well, now isn't this one big family reunion."  
Of course, everybody else except from Claire looked on in confusion (Barry because he though Wesker was dead, everybody else because this allows the story to be filled with quirky character interactions).  
The Darkstalkers were looking around, wondering just what the hell happened. Donovan was especially pleased that Anita's doll had somehow repaired itself, but he became depressed again when he saw that Anita was holding said doll right there. Morrigan was assessing the Resident Evil group, trying to see who was the most lonely-looking (Leon is gonna be succubus chow by the end of this, isn't he?...). Demitri was trying to figure out how many bitches he could fit in the pretty nifty hallway. Felicia was wondering how well her voice would carry in the room.  
"Hmm, it looks like there are some... unwanted guests," Wesker smirked, prompting both sides to truly stare each other down (except from Barry, who was looking for his sandwich).  
"And who are you?" Demitri asked in that badass English-dubbing voice he has in the Darkstalkers OVA. His eyes glowed dangerously, as all pimp's eyes do when they spot a rival.  
"We're in the middle of some cleaning up," Claire called out. "So, don't interfere, or you're gonna get hurt. Even if you ARE 6' 6" with arms that could crush boulders."  
Chris looked inexplicably upset at this remark.  
"Ooh, that sounded like a challenge," Morrigan murmured, smiling in a scary fashion at Claire and Chris.  
"Then let us bring the challenge to them," Demitri grinned, holding his cape up in a dramatic fashion. On this, the Darkstalkers charged.  
The fighting was pretty brutal, with blood and hair gel flying everywhere.  
"Hehe, I just LOVE that hair," Morrigan giggled, stroking Wesker's hair as he passed by her in a charge. "Can you recommend your stylist to me?"  
"Why, he is just that little Mexican woman- DIE!" Wesker growled. He became even more pissed off when Morrigan punched him square in the face, breaking his $500 sunglasses in half.  
Demitri and Chris were slugging it out in a ferocious boxing match. Demitri was very surprised at Chris' resilience and strength.  
"Nobody takes my title!" Chris yelled, pounding away at Demitri's stomach.  
"Don't make me turn you into a woman in an overly elaborate set-up for me to drink your blood," Demitri warned. "Seriously, please don't: I do not want to see how you will turn out."  
Claire and Felicia were having a bit of a catfight, somehow being about evenly matched, despite one of them being... well, a frickin' catwoman!  
"Look at that outfit!" Felicia laughed. "What, did you crawl out of a low-budget 80s' thriller movie?"  
"Laugh all you want," Claire smiled evilly. "All the fanboys still love me more." With that, she sent Felicia sailing with a powerful roundhouse kick, making her crash into Morrigan and Wesker.  
Leon and Jill looked up at the hulking figure that was Donovan.  
"Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me..." Leon groaned.  
However, Donovan stepped aside and began to fight Jill, leaving Leon with... Anita.  
"Umm... I seriously don't have to fight a little girl, do I?" Leon frowned. Suddenly, he felt himself being dragged towards the little girl by some invisible force. Her souless eyes stared right into Leon's soul-possessing ones, and he suddenly lost the will to fight.  
All of this was well and good, but there was someone missing...  
"Hey, where's Barry?" Jill yelled above the chaos.  
Suddenly, there was a cry out.  
"What IS this?" Morrigan gasped, not realising that Barry's sandwich had miraculously appeared above her and landed on her. Suddenly, all of the Resident Evil cast, including Wesker, backed away from her as fast as they could.  
"MY SANDWICH!" a voice bellowed out. It sounded like God had finally come to reap all of the sinners. Suddenly, Barry flew down to the battlefield and upon landing looked at Morrigan, his eyes filled with pure hunger and fury. Even Morrigan knew that trying to seduce him would be as effective as a slingshot against a tornado. Same with any actual attempts to fight.  
Barry made a vicious beeline for Morrigan, batting aside anyone in his way, friend and foe alike. Morrigan was starting to look a bit terrified.  
"Oh, shit!" she managed to mutter before she was tackled by Barry, sending them both flying into the wall. He then took his sandwich off of one of the wings on her head, and he effortlessly tossed Morrigan aside, taking a bite out of his severely battered sandwich.  
"That was TOO close!" he exclaimed, then he looked down at the unconscious Morrigan pitifully. "You were almost a... Batty Sandwich!"  
By this point, the fight had stopped, because nobody messes with Barry Burton and gets away with it. Still seething at each other, the fighters pulled each other off the ground, temporarily united by their fear of Barry.  
Morrigan staggered over to the group after recovering, looking a bit shaken-up.  
"Must be one of my more crazed fans," Morrigan grinned shakily, still not realising it was a sandwich.  
And so, the two franchises were brought together to tackle the horrors of Resident Evil together. On their quest to fulfil the scenarios of the games, they travel the world in search of the T-virus... and chimichangas.


End file.
